Within this story, we see how words spoken from medical professionals can affect us both in the moment and have lasting affects. Ashley shares a few quotes from her experience that should make you cringe; that should make you question your provider and potentially start searching for a new doctor.
Health care professionals, especially those supporting pregnant and postpartum patients, need to be more transparent, more willingness to inform/educate patients, and understand that the words they speak carry so much power. How often though do we question those providing care? It usually takes an undesirable first experience or stories from those close to you before you ask questions. And even those tough hitting questions that could affect the rest of your life, there is a sense of shame or “I don’t want to speak out of line” to offend the doctor.
If Ashley’s birth would have gone differently, could it be possible that postpartum would have been kinder to her? Keep reading
and let’s discuss.
This Mama Beginnings story brought to you by: Ashley Cardwell
Content warning: Emergency c-section, failed spinal, suicidal thoughts
Faced with a “big baby” decision
Throughout my entire pregnancy my son was measuring “big”. It was no surprise as my husband was born at almost 11lbs. At 37 weeks I had a growth ultrasound and my OB suggested I schedule a c-section due to the baby’s size.
She said “It’s up to you.. but there is a chance your baby can get stuck and die, plus you don’t want to tear down to your anus- I’ve seen it happen before and it’ll never be the same again if that happens!” Horrified, I agreed to the c-section.
Labour
The night before my scheduled c-section my water broke, and I showed up to the hospital 4 cm dilated. The on-call OB asked me why I was having a c-section and said that because I was progressing quickly I could try vaginally. I so desperately wanted a vaginal birth, and took this as a sign to trust my body. After 11 hours in labour and a shift change, I was given pitocin as I was not “progressing fast enough”. This brought on unbearable contractions. By hour 22 I was fully dilated and although I thought I was ready to push, the resident told me my baby was facing up and they would have to try reach in and rotate him before I could. After multiple attempts, the resident informed me the baby had not dropped far enough and I was going to need a c-section.
She said “Don’t be upset with yourself- we didn’t even think you would make it this far!” Although she may not have realized, those words haunt me to this day.
“…I couldn’t breathe”
I was rolled into the operation room screaming in pain, and as they put the spinal block in I got immediate relief. But to my horror I started to feel as though I couldn’t breathe- the team kept telling me it’s okay you can breathe you’re just anxious but I knew something wasn’t right. I began to black in and out and could hear the anesthesiologist in the distance asking me to grab his hand as they put oxygen to my face. I couldn’t move my arms. Chaos ensued and another anesthesiologist came to my head and told me the spinal had frozen upwards- he told me they had to put me under, as he was saying this the OB was yelling “the baby’s heart rate is dropping we need to get him out now!”. I remember not being able to breathe, and remember thinking I was about to die. I prayed my baby would be okay as everything went dark.
“We thought it was just anxiety”
When I woke up I was being rolled into the recovery room, I could see my husband holding my son. I was groggy and not fully aware of what was going on, but I was relieved to see my husband and son together waiting for me. The next day I asked a nurse to have someone explain to me what happened as it wasn’t talked about again, the OB who delivered my son came in and told me that I had a rare reaction to the spinal, that it froze up my spine instead of down. I remember her saying- “we thought it was just anxiety, when you were hyperventilating, that’s why we didn’t react right away.” I wondered if she had seen my diagnosis of health anxiety on my chart, and immediately felt shame.
Postpartum – Begging for relief
Flash forward to postpartum, and those who knew what happened often told me all that matters is that you and the baby are healthy. And for awhile I thought that was true. I had my baby, who was I to complain? But the first few months of my sons life brought panic attacks, and endless crying. Calling doctors begging for relief. I couldn’t shake the sadness, and guilt and anxiety. I don’t know if my birth caused my postpartum depression, but I know that at my 6 week appointment no one asked me how I was doing mentally. No one asked me how I felt about my experience, or if I wanted to talk to someone about it. I’m lucky I work in mental health and could recognize myself deteriorating and knew how to get help. But not everyone would – why isn’t the mental health of the mother as important as the physical?
Looking back
Looking back, as a first time mom- I wish I knew I had the right to say no to my medical team.
To question them, to have a say. I don’t know if that would have changed the narrative, but I know that maybe I wouldn’t have felt so scared, useless and alone. And maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t spend the first 6 months of my son’s life clinging to those feelings and thinking my son was better off I hadn’t woken up on that operating table.
Thank you Ashley for sharing your experience. We truly hope those that work in the pregnancy and postpartum realm can read your story and start the ripple for change. So that new parents aren’t feeling scared, useless and alone.
Want to connect with Ashley? Chat here
Need to talk to someone regarding your own experience? Birth and Postpartum Support Resources here
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