There is a cathartic nature of sharing birth stories & the journey into parenthood. We know there is power in sharing and hearing each other’s unique experiences, as no 2 birth stories are the same. mamaraderie & The Maternal Sidekick wanted to provide a platform for parents to share how they became parents! While we can scroll Instagram and see the highly edited version of parenthood, there is less shown of the true experiences we all have gone through. Also with social media content having a short life span, having this platform provides longevity to the stories shared. Drum roll please……… Introducing Mama Beginnings.
We wanted to do this for many reasons – For solidarity, for hope, for comfort, for coping, for authenticity. We have provided content warnings for those that may need to pause and collect themselves before reading or avoid a post altogether because of the nature of the content. If you need to reach out for support, we will provide resources here.
We kick off this series by sharing Kirsten’s experience. She shares her struggles during pregnancy, being pregnant and close to birth during the start of COVID and the trauma of being induced and having an emergency caesarean section and the effects postpartum.
This Mama Beginnings brought to you by: Kirsten Theriault @kirsttheriault
Content warning: Trauma, violence
Check on the new moms. They need it. And never be ashamed of your story and how it makes you feel or if you need to seek help. Therapy rocks.
Pregnancy
I got pregnant on our honeymoon. I started having morning sickness around week 8. It was pretty awful, and I went to the doctor a few times for medicated help. It eventually got so bad I was vomiting 10+ times a day, couldn’t eat anything, or do anything. I went off work at 13 weeks pregnant with Hypermesis Gravidarum.
I was in and out of the hospital and constantly put on more medication. A few weeks after that I started getting extremely itchy, it felt like my hands and feet were being broken buzzed and I couldn’t get it to stop. After some more tests I also got diagnosed with Cholestasus and was informed I would be induced at 38 weeks.
Though I was so sick, I still was so excited about having my baby girl finally earth side with me and for my suffering to be over. I know that may be hurtful for some people to hear, but you have to understand how excruciating my pregnancy was.
At 34 weeks pregnant the world around us got shut down from COVID, and my husband was laid off. It was a very stressful few weeks of being unknown if Brandon would be allowed at the hospital with me, the fear of catching coronavirus and all the new rules and regulations.
Labour
On Monday April 14th I went in for the initial step of being induced. A gel was applied on my cervix and I was sent home and told to come back the next day for the next step. The cramping started immediately and around 7pm it turned into consistent contractions. I tried my hardest to wait it out at home but at 3am the pain was so intense I was vomiting so we headed to the hospital.
I was checked and at 2cm so I stayed for a few hours of monitoring and given a pain medicine injection which helped a lot. My OB told me to go home and not to come back til she told me she was available. I agreed and went home to nap for a few hours while I felt relief.
At 1pm on Tuesday we received a call to come in and have my water broken. If you’ve never had your water broken, do not look it up if you are queasy. Thinking about it still send shudders but it wasn’t as horrible as it sounds.
Because I was induced I was hooked up to the meds that simulate the hormones and the nurse explained how every 20 min she would be raising the dose until a certain point because anything higher than that note would be dangerous for the baby. And so it began.
This is our first child. My husband and I took prenatal classes and came up with a birth plan (ha!) and thought we were so prepared, but nothing could have prepared us for the next few days. We had no idea what was within our “rights” or how to manage the new rules of the hospital. My husband had no idea how to advocate for me, nor I for myself when emotions were so high. We had no idea our story wasn’t normal.
Every 20 minutes the nurse would come and up my meds, and every hour my cervix was checked. Which should have been my first red flag. At the end I had had my cervix checked a total of 28 times and was heavily bleeding. At my 6week appointment I found out I had damage done due to the violence and frequency of how them checking it.
At 7pm there was a shift change and I have a strong feeling they didn’t properly communicate. As time went on my dosage was doubled higher than what I was originally told was my limit, and my husband and I just assumed that the nurse knew best of what to do.
Birth
Things took a turn at 3am and the baby went into distress (which we later found out was a result of the strong dosage) and I was rushed in for an emergency c-section. They got me in there so fast I was already cut open on the table before my husband was gowned up and brought in. When Holland came out they immediately took her (without showing her to us) to check her out. I have never been more terrified.
After 20 minutes she was wailing and given to me, and I had literally no idea how to calm her down. I had always envisioned the first moments of her life spent on my chest with me being able to perfectly calm her and this was NOT going well. I was still super loopy so the details of the next few hours are somewhat blurry. All I remember from immediately after the birth was not being able to calm her and the staff telling my husband he wasn’t allowed to stay because of the new COVID rules.
I woke up a few hours later to the sound of Holland screaming. I was still very drugged and still unable to move my body much from the epidural for surgery. Her hospital bassinet was placed on the other side of the room and I couldn’t reach her, and I was not given a call bell.
It was two hours of her screaming until a nurse came in to help me and pass her to me. I spent the first two lucid hours of my daughters life listening to her scream, while completely helpless.
Postpartum
This resulted in immense trauma for me and a difficult bonding and experiencing joy in her few months. I didn’t feel a real connection between us until she was 5 months old. I still can’t look at the hospital when we drive by it. My mind has blacked out the first month of her life, I have photos but no memories.
Seeking therapy and validation from professionals and other moms alike helped me immensely especially after months of hearing “at least you both are healthy” “just be grateful it is over”, “you’re next one will be better.”.
Check on the new moms. They need it. And never be ashamed of your story and how it makes you feel or if you need to seek help. Therapy rocks.
Continued below is an excerpt from Kirsten’s IG.
Photos by Alexa Studios
Postpartum Depression
I am not a person who usually shares feelings, and especially not on social media (In fact this makes me super uncomfortable but a big part of healing is being validated, so if I can do that for you, let’s chat.) But it’s been a year so why the heck not if it might make someone else feel seen and less alone. (Disclaimer: may be triggering to some. Tiggers: birth trauma, PPD, violence)
I had a traumatic pregnancy. I do not say that lightly. There was a lot of complications of varying degrees, and my lifelong anxiety definitely heightened during those months. The thing that kept me going was the fact that soon my girl would earthside and all would be fine (ha!).
Then I had a very traumatic 33hr labour that ended in an emergency csection. I was a victim of violence and abuse in the hospital (if you have questions my DMs are open to respectful people only.) that my body and mind are still recovering from. I felt no bond with Holland at first because of the trauma I suffered. I have photos of her first month, but my mind has blacked out every memory to protect itself.
I decided to seek help after a few months because I was experiencing nightmares and ‘visions’ of her dying or getting hurt. I remember being at the cottage and I ‘saw’ someone step on her and I could ‘hear’ her bones break and I knew it was time to get help. I was diagnosed with PPD/PPA and placed on meds that I’m still taking to this day. My therapist validated my trauma, helped me bond with Holland and helped me seek out my village. (You know who you are and I love you all.)
I’m infamous for keeping my feelings deep down and never talking about them until it blows up. But talking about it was the best thing I ever could of done. Therapy rocks.
Read the post here if you would like.
Connect with Kirsten here:@kirsttheriault
Thank you Kirsten for sharing your story. You are incredible as a mother and as a human being. Continue doing great things <3.
Need to talk to someone regarding your own experience? Birth and Postpartum Support Resources here
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